As we drove past my old apartment tonight I realized that it was twenty years ago tonight that we had, not our last Christmas birthday with you, but certainly the last Christmas where we still believed that our Christmases couldn't possible ever change. Where Christmas was filled with not hurt, but love.
I looked at your youngest son tonight, sitting in the kitchen with the other guys and I could have sworn it was you. The only thing missing was a cigarette and the leg cocked up in the kitchen chair, oh and hair of course. ;) It looked so much like the old days where the fathers just stayed away from the madhouse of the festivities until forced to become part of the celebration because someone had a gift for them.
I remembered when you would finally move from the kitchen into the living room to watch all the kids open their presents. I remember how hard it was to find something to give you that would need for your Christmas birthday and it always seemed to be only socks. I know the actual present didn't really matter that much anyway, but I always wanted to find you something better.
Although it was absolute chaos tonight, you would have loved it.
You would have loved seeing what fine adults your grandchildren are now. You would be so very proud of them. You would have loved that your and mom's influence didn't just extend to your children remaining closer than any family I know, you would have smiled seeng how the next generation is as dedicated as we are to remain committed to each other, no matter what.
You would have delighted in seeing your oldest great grandson now quickly becoming an adult who is one of the kindest guys I've known. You would have spoiled those next two great granddaughters who were dropped into our family, not from the stork, but from a gift from God and the State if Indiana.
You would have loved watching your youngest great granddaughter twirling in her new dress singing a beautiful Christmas song. And I know without a doubt that you would have been holding your youngest great grandson and loving that toddler stage. And you would have had tears in your eyes from laughter when this 18 mo old picked up an empty(thank goodness) beer bottle sitting on the coffee table and trying to swig it like he was a pro. You would have loved that our family continues to expand and yet never grow farther apart. Whether that expansion is through marriage and children, children though adoption or through bringing them into our family though new relationships.
I believe you would be proud that although it seemed impossible at times, we did manage to continue our family in your absence. And really shouldn't that be every parent's goal? To know that you raised your kids to be responsible strong adults who have against all odds raised their kids the same and who are now training their own children the same way.
But I hope it gives you peace that although there will always be an empty chair at Christmas, the room is filled with life, love and laughter.
But I wish you were here to enjoy all these wonderful new additions to your family and that they could have experienced a doting great grandpa.
But we still miss you.
I don't know of they celebrate birthdays up there in heaven, but that will not stop me from wish you a happy birthday anyway.
I love you Dad. "Always Will". "Always will".
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