I'm sure from the way I talk about my grandkids, most people would assume I'm a big pushover. So yeah, I let them play in the water or make a mess in the house or sometimes stay up later than they should, but that's the priviledge of being a grandparent, isn't it?
But I doubt my grandson would agree that I'm a pushover. I'm from the old school, so I was raised by being whacked a time or two by my parents and it didn't kill me. I knew not to push too many buttons, so I didn't get spanked very often. My brother Mark, well, he just wasn't smart enough to know when to shut up, so he may have a different opinion about the spanking thing than I do.
For the most part, when my grandson was a toddler, I could just tell him no and he was fine. When he was about 18 months old, he threw a tiny hissy fit and threw one of his John Deere toys. I decided it was time to try out the "time out" process. If it didn't work, I would know fairly quickly, but if it did work, that was even better.
We were in the garage with 47 toy John Deere tractors and trucks around us and I said something that must have made him mad. He picked up one of the trucks and threw it across the room. When I told him to pick it up, he just gave me a look.
Since we were in the garage and the corners were all packed I couldn't make him stand in the corner, I said, "OK, now you're going to have to stand by the wall." I picked him up and placed him within a foot of the only bare garage wall. At 18 months, he didn't get it at first. I stood behind him, so my legs could block him from walking away. When he realized he wasn't going anywhere and this "standing by the wall" was punishment he began to cry. It broke my heart, but I knew if we didn't start off establishing what was acceptable in our house and what wasn't, we'd be in big trouble later.
A couple minutes later, I lifted him up and hugged him and told him that we would not allow him to throw his toys. He held on to me for a while, then went over and picked up the toy.
So, we've rarely had to make him "stand by the wall" in the years since. He knows the rules. Shortly after that experiment, Bob was saying something silly to him. He rolled his head around and said in a funny deep voice, "Bop! You need to stand by the wall."
When he was about 3, he began to attend a day care. Until that time, he was watched by another grandmother and I got to watch him on Fridays. Within a short period of time I noticed he began to use a bit of snotty tone to his voice. Snotty tones are a pet peeve of mine and I was not happy to hear it coming from my sweet precious grandson.
I decided to wait until we were playing with his toys and we were just talking about things. Then I asked him if he knew what "tone of voice" meant. He was a sponge during these kinds of times when it appeared he was too deep in playing but I knew this was the best way to get my point across. So I asked him if he could tell the difference between when I said, "No." and when I said, "NNNNOOO" With the second No, he looked up at me very quickly. It got his attention. I said, "Did you tell the difference? Didn't it feel different to you by the way I said the same word?" He agreed. I told him that was called a "tone of voice" and by using a different tone, it leaves a different feeling. It was obvious he got it and I deliberately did not go ahead and bring up times when his tone was bad. I thought it best to wait until the next time and then remind him of our discussion. A time or two of that quelches alot of arguments.
It worked like a charm and years later still does. A few months back he didn't agree with what I had said and he had just the slightest aggravation to his voice. I just turned around to look at him. I didn't need to say anything. HE looked at me and smiled and said, "TONE". So he knew. I then laughed as did he. And there was no more tone to the discussion. It was nice that he recognized it right away.
But the biggie, at least to me was when he was around three. He was sitting at the bar in our kitchen and I was getting him something to eat. He wasn't being very cooperative and I called him on it, maybe I even threatened the "wall". His reaction surprised me. He cocked up his hand toward my face and said the dreaded word. "WHATEVER!" Ok, the one-two knockout of whatever plus the hand......
Oh no, that was simply not going to fly. He knew he had stepped over the line right away,, he hopped off the bar stool and went running. Luckily I was still able to catch up to him, while saying he was going to be standing by the wall. When I reached him, I picked him up by both arms and brought him up to my face and first said , "HEY" with TONE. He looked me in the face and he just burst out crying. He's not a cryer, so I know these are real tears. It was obvious to me that I was not going to accomplish anything at that time by making him doing the "dreaded" wall stance. He was crying like I had thrown him across the room. I just had to hug him. Tightly. Grandma caved, but I said, "Look, I love you, but you cannot talk to me like that. I don't talk to you like that, Papaw doesn't talk to you like that and we don't allow people here to talk like that." He hugged me tight and his crying began to stop. I gave him another "I Love You But" sentences and then we were off playing again.
It was funny from then on though. The "Whatever" had become such a part of his speech back then that even he didn't realize how often he would say it. For the next few hours he would start to say, "What...e.........are you doing?" Kids are pretty darn smart about what they can get away with and where. I don't think he's ever said "Whatever" to me since.
And so I have become a believer in the "standing by the wall" process. I doubt it works for all kids, but it's been easy with the grandkids.
Last month his little sister got her first experience of the standing by the wall. She threw chalk down in the garage. I told her that was not nice and to go pick it up. Well, she's her own child so she proceeded to stick out her lip, folded her arms and just stood there. I told her twice and then told her that she would have to stand by the wall. No change. It was a standoff. She's a bit more of her own personality than that of her brother. We don't have her as often as we did her brother, so maybe she thought I was a pushover.
I literally walked her over to the chalk and she still just kept her arms folded. I took her arm and moved it toward the chalk. NOPE, she deliberately left her hand in a fist. OK, garage wall here we come. She cried right away and I let her cry.
In the meantime her brother is dancing around like a Native American laughing at her standing by the wall. I warned him that he would be next if he didn't stop, but I stiffled a laugh at his antics. After a couple minutes I stooped by her and asked her to go pick up the chalk. Nope. OK, another couple minutes while her brother and I continued to play games in the garage, ignoring her crocodile tears. I said again, "Now are you ready to pick up the chalk?" "yes" So, over she went, picked up the chalk and we all went back to playing normally. She wasn't happy about not winning the standoff, but she was fine a minute or two later.
Honestly the chalk think wasn't a big deal, but I knew from her stance that she thought she would get away with anything at Grandma and Papaw's house and I felt it was time for her to learn that there are rules at our house and there are consequences when she breaks them.
I gotta tell you, it's easy when they visit. They don't question us when we tell them to do stuff. That's not to say they still aren't kids and they still don't pull our strings occasionally. We don't want Stepford kids after all. But we don't have a couple of bratty kids with nasty tones running the house when they are here. All four of us enjoy our time together since we don't have to spend our time now doling out punishment every 5 mintues and we're also not overrun by bratty kids to rule the house.
And as a side benefit, I use "TONE" at work. It's a joke of course, I explained it was what I said to my grandson and when someone's getting a little irritated having to explain something to me mostly as a joke, the "tone" drifts into the conversation. I just say "TONE" (which is now being picked up by everyone else directed back at me) and everyone laughs and it breaks the tension and gets the "toner" to readjust the discussion. I even had someone IM me "TONE" when I asked why they had done something. I IMexplained "WHY?" was tone, "why?" was not. It's quite entertaining to the entire group.
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