But even if you could give me an answer I know that nothing can explain your actions. Nothing. No rationale, no reason, no excuse, there would be nothing you could tell me that would make your actions understandable.
But I want to know why.
What are the things that run through your head when you take such an action that can never be fixed, that will not leave bodies lying in the wake of your final selfish act? Is there not even one instance of thinking of what your actions will do to those around you? Are you so self-absorbed in your ultimate selfish act that you deliberately blind yourself to aftermath of destruction? Do you look around and think about exactly WHO it is you are hurting?
Did you not see the image of that young man, who had fought for his own life only five years ago, who bravely struggled to overcome a deadly disease only to have you decide to hurt him more deeply and lasting than the battle scars of a deadly disease?
Did you not see that bright hopeful young woman just finding herself in this world? Didn't you even consider how your ghastly action could extinguish that bright glow in her eyes? That your actions would possible change her inner beauty forever and that it could even be likely that you would leave her with the same emptiness that your own childhood left you with?
Was THIS the legacy you wanted to leave for your very own children? THIS?
To know that their father decided that ending his life, for whatever reason was more important than sparing his very own children a lifetime of despair. To know his final act was not one of courage, but the most selfish destructible act one person could commit.
So explain to me WHY, just WHY?
Tell me.
And I will hit you across the face as hard as my wimpy arms could and I would scream at you and tell you that you are the most selfish SOB I have ever met. That you have no excuse, no rationale, no RIGHT to do this to your family.
Nothing you have done in your life will ever EVER counterbalance your last goddamned selfish act.
You had no right to do this to them, I don't care what kind of pain, depression, moment of weakness existed. You had no right.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Why
That's all I really want to know.
Why?
>
But even if you could give me an answer I know that nothing can explain your actions. Nothing. No rationale, no reason, no excuse, there would be nothing you could tell me that would make your actions understandable.
But I want to know why.
What are the things that run through your head when you take such an action that can never be fixed, that will not leave bodies lying in the wake of your final selfish act? Is there not even one instance of thinking of what your actions will do to those around you? Are you so self-absorbed in your ultimate selfish act that you deliberately blind yourself to aftermath of destruction? Do you look around and think about exactly WHO it is you are hurting?
Did you not see the image of that young man, who had fought for his own life only five years ago, who bravely struggled to overcome a deadly disease only to have you decide to hurt him more deeply and lasting than the battle scars of a deadly disease?
Did you not see that bright hopeful young woman just finding herself in this world? Didn't you even consider how your ghastly action could extinguish that bright glow in her eyes? That your actions would possible change her inner beauty forever and that it could even be likely that you would leave her with the same emptiness that your own childhood left you with?
Was THIS the legacy you wanted to leave for your very own children? THIS?
To know that their father decided that ending his life, for whatever reason was more important than sparing his very own children a lifetime of despair. To know his final act was not one of courage, but the most selfish destructible act one person could commit.
So explain to me WHY, just WHY?
Tell me.
And I will hit you across the face as hard as my wimpy arms could and I would scream at you and tell you that you are the most selfish SOB I have ever met. That you have no excuse, no rationale, no RIGHT to do this to your family.
Nothing you have done in your life will ever EVER counterbalance your last goddamned selfish act.
You had no right to do this to them, I don't care what kind of pain, depression, moment of weakness existed. You had no right.
But even if you could give me an answer I know that nothing can explain your actions. Nothing. No rationale, no reason, no excuse, there would be nothing you could tell me that would make your actions understandable.
But I want to know why.
What are the things that run through your head when you take such an action that can never be fixed, that will not leave bodies lying in the wake of your final selfish act? Is there not even one instance of thinking of what your actions will do to those around you? Are you so self-absorbed in your ultimate selfish act that you deliberately blind yourself to aftermath of destruction? Do you look around and think about exactly WHO it is you are hurting?
Did you not see the image of that young man, who had fought for his own life only five years ago, who bravely struggled to overcome a deadly disease only to have you decide to hurt him more deeply and lasting than the battle scars of a deadly disease?
Did you not see that bright hopeful young woman just finding herself in this world? Didn't you even consider how your ghastly action could extinguish that bright glow in her eyes? That your actions would possible change her inner beauty forever and that it could even be likely that you would leave her with the same emptiness that your own childhood left you with?
Was THIS the legacy you wanted to leave for your very own children? THIS?
To know that their father decided that ending his life, for whatever reason was more important than sparing his very own children a lifetime of despair. To know his final act was not one of courage, but the most selfish destructible act one person could commit.
So explain to me WHY, just WHY?
Tell me.
And I will hit you across the face as hard as my wimpy arms could and I would scream at you and tell you that you are the most selfish SOB I have ever met. That you have no excuse, no rationale, no RIGHT to do this to your family.
Nothing you have done in your life will ever EVER counterbalance your last goddamned selfish act.
You had no right to do this to them, I don't care what kind of pain, depression, moment of weakness existed. You had no right.
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9 comments:
I grew up in the Baptist church, and there was much talk of the devil, of hellfire and brimstone, of eternal damnation. From the garden of Eden to the garden of Gethsemane, the dark one was presented to us as REAL, the personification of evil.
Many in this day and age view the devil as a myth, a made up bogey-man to scare children (and some adults) into maintaining some semblance of goodness. Surely nothing so sinister can be real.
Those people who believe that evil does not exist need only look on the crime that was committed in Boston. We cannot fathom how a rational, God-fearing person could do such a terrible thing. The only explanation can be that Evil, with a capital E, does in fact exist. I believe he takes great pleasure in our pain as we watch the horror.
May God have mercy on all of us. And may we all remember in prayer the people affected by this terrible, terrible event.
True Babs. I was angry when I wrote this and deliberately wanted to incorporate the evil act of the bomber while also telling the reason why that day was made even worse.
While watching the horrible news on April 15th, my sister called and informed me her nephew, who had lived with her for a short while when he was a kid committed suicide that morning, leaving behind two wonderful young kids still in college.
The anger is directed at him.
For God's sake, why can't s people contemplating this horrible final act realize what they are doing to every person they know, but especially their own children.
We are all devastated.
Rita, I am so sorry - I did not know. I can only imagine the pain your family must be feeling.
I can't imagine the mind of someone who makes that decision, but I agree - it IS selfish. We've all gone through difficult times, and ALWAYS things get better. Always. To feel that there is utterly no hope is impossible for me to comprehend. And to end your life when there are others left who love you and count on you is so very, very selfish.
I am sorry. Know that you are in my prayers.
That picture of the little boy that was killed by this cowardly act just broke my heart. The sign he was holding made me cry. It was crudely written in crayons and it said,
NO MORE HURTING PEOPLE
PEACE
Thanks Babs. I keep thinking this crappy year has to stop being so sucky at some point, but it seems to just keep piling on.
I just keep trying to make even some bit of sense out of his rash decision and of course it makes no sense. To see his beautiful kids post heartbreaking picture and painful Facebook posts just makes me angry all over again.
Rita, I spent over a year in excruciating pain to the point of suicide. I knew that leaving a letter would be cruel to my daughter as much as committing suicide. I knew she couldn't understand the depth of my suffering, and she'd never understand a LETTER. Know what I did? I gathered my humility together and went to her. I talked to her and explained everything: how much I loved her, and how this act had nothing to do with her, but that I had no strength left to deal with the pain. Just talking to the ones who will be affected, is more than enough to stop such a selfish (in the end)and cowardly act.
After that, the pain didn't lessen, but my ability to stand it grew by leaps and bounds.
I agree with you 100 percent, because I was at that point - and lived to tell about it.
Exactly Dana. I am SO glad you decided to talk to her first. You KNEW what it could do to her and in the end that gave you the strength to endure.
I spent about three years in a very dark place after my dad died and I distinctly remember not even wanting to feel better I just wanted to feel numb. And I knew I could never do that to my family when they were also hurting so badly.
One morning during a long commute and decided to let my mind "go there". I remember thinking about how peaceful it would be to be out of the pain. I let myself indulge in the selfishness of the act for about thirty minutes, all the time knowing I could NOT hurt my mom,brothers and sister and everyone else so horribly.
So it's not that I cannot fathom it, but to know what he left for his kids to clean up and live with and hurt with forever is just unconscionable. I would never have thought he could have done this. They fought so hard to keep their son alive and he decided six years later to destroy everything.
I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!
I am so sorry Rita.
Suicide is never an answer, but checking out when you have others that depend on you is the ultimate act of cowardice and selfishness. No matter how serious your problems are, how low you feel, you owe it to those who love and depend on you to get help for your problems and pain. You have no right to hurt them in that way.
Thanks Dave. I simply cannot imagine the pain his kids are going through. And the worst part is he SHOULD have known what he has doing to them as his own mother committed suicide when he was about their ages. I just still don't believe it.
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